Grindr. It’s not just an app; for many, it’s a lifestyle. A postmodern art gallery of abs, absurdity, and anonymous anuses. Whether you’re here to find a husband (for yourself, or someone else’s), a hookup, or the closest torso to disappoint your ancestors, Grindr welcomes you with open arms, clenched jaws, open butt cheeks, and poor grammar.
Let’s be clear: this isn’t your grandma’s dating scene. Unless your grandma is into discreet tops who live 247 meters away and say things like “no pic, no reply.” If so, go grandma.
This is your no-holds-barred, no-safe-word, no-face-shown guide to surviving and thriving on Grindr, the land of chaos, charm, and chlamydia.
Profile Pictures: More Red Flags Than a Communist Parade
The Headless Torso
Grindr’s national flag. It’s shirtless. It’s faceless. It’s unavoidable. Why do they do it? Shame? Discretion? A long-standing beef with their own chin?
Translation: “I want you to be attracted to my body but not to know who I am. Like a gay Banksy, but with less political nuance and more unsolicited hole pics.”
Advanced users will spot clues: Gym mirror? Cropped arm around another torso? Those aren’t muscles, they’re secrets.
The Faceless Mood Shot
A blurry black-and-white photo of a man… or a lamp… or a man-lamp hybrid. Taken from behind. In shadow. In 2014.
Translation: “I’m deep. I’m sensitive. I read poetry and definitely do not want to bottom tonight.”
It says “artsy,” but it screams “emotionally unavailable.” Bonus red flag if the bio says “Sapiosexual.” That’s not a sexuality. That’s just a way to say “I watched a TED Talk once.”
The Dog or Scenic Landscape
You want a man. You get… his Labrador.
Translation: “I haven’t come out yet, but my dog knows and is supportive.”
Alternatives include: sunsets, shirtless beach photos without a human in them, or that one grainy selfie taken in a car where the sun is doing all the heavy lifting.
None of these people wants to meet you. They’re here for validation and to reject you creatively.
The Bio Section: A Study in Delusion, Desperation, and Daddy Issues
“No fats, no fems, no Asians”
A full-blown red flag factory. Racist, misogynistic, and insecure enough to advertise it publicly.
Translation: “I hate myself so much that I’ve turned it into a preference.”
Block. Report. Yeet into the sun, hard.
“Just here for friends :)”
Lies. Grindr is not LinkedIn for gays. No one is here to discuss your dreams and drink oat lattes together.
Translation: “I will message you at 2:37 a.m. asking for hole pics and then ghost you faster than my dad after he found my browser history.”
If you genuinely want friends on Grindr, may the gods be with you.
“Clean and Discreet”
Let’s break this one down:
- Clean = “I’ve internalized enough shame to turn STI stigma into a brand.”
- Discreet = “I will never meet you in daylight, and if we pass on the street, I will pretend I’ve never seen your dick.”
Often accompanied by no photo, 1-meter proximity, and enough emotional baggage to sink a Carnival cruise.
“Hung Top, no drama”
Always “hung,” never spelled correctly.
Translation: “I will send you three messages, demand stats, and then vanish when I realize you have boundaries.”
Bonus cringe if it says “not into games” while playing them harder than a Drag Race season.
Positions Explained: Tops, Bottoms, and the Magical World of Versatility
You’d think three little words couldn’t hold that much power. But on Grindr, your ”position” defines everything from who messages first to who brings lube.
Top: The one who does the penetrating. Often thinks this is a personality. Prone to saying ”masc for masc,” owns 47 jockstraps, and believes crying is for weaklings and winners of Drag Race.
Bottom: The one who gets penetrated. Can range from pillow princess to acrobatic legend. Often owns the cleanest home and the most emotional intelligence. Gets blamed for everything.
Vers: The holy grail. Can do both. Will likely do neither if the vibe is off. Often ghosted by tops who say ”I’m only into true bottoms” and bottoms who say ”I don’t trust vers guys.”
Top-leaning Vers / Bottom-leaning Vers: For the indecisive kings, queens, and queerdos among us. Also sometimes code for ”I just didn’t want to sound too eager.”
Side: Doesn’t do anal. Loves other forms of play. Gets misunderstood more often than a bisexual at Pride. Is actually just out here vibing with better boundaries than all of us.
Unspecified: Either new, mysterious, or trying to bait more messages. Might also be a bot. Or worse: someone who types ”LOL” after every sentence.
Whatever you do, don’t assume. Ask. Communicate. Or just wing it and see who flips first.
Chat Messages: A Masterclass in Minimalism and Missed Opportunities
“Sup”
An icon. A classic. The gay equivalent of throwing a rock at a window and expecting a meaningful conversation.
Translation: “I don’t know how to talk to men unless they’re naked and/or baked.”
Advanced move: Reply with “Sup?” back. You can ping-pong this exchange for hours, achieving absolutely nothing. It’s gay tennis.
“Stats?”
Not even “Hey.” Not even “Hi.” Just the stats. You are a spreadsheet. A unit of measurement. A meat calculator input.
Translation: “I want to know if I’m willing to be in the same room as you based on height, weight, and the unholy trinity: top/bottom/vers.”
Bonus points if they vanish the moment you reply “Vers.”
“U host?”
If Grindr were a Monopoly game, this is “Go.” No greetings. Just logistics.
Translation: “I’m lazy, possibly homeless, and allergic to effort.”
Sometimes paired with a single emoji or, even worse, a blank profile and 9 photos in a locked album labelled “fun ;)”.
“Send face?”
This one stings when you already have your face showing and they just… didn’t look. Or didn’t like.
Translation: “I’m on a power trip and have the attention span of a fruit fly.”
Extra edge if they send a pic, then immediately block you. That’s the Grindr version of a mic drop.
Bonus round: The tap and block:
This is one I, personally, find hilarious. He taps you and if you don’t reply within 0.82 seconds, you are blocked. No matter the time of day,
The Grindr Grid: It’s Not Just a Map, It’s a Maze
You think the map helps you find guys nearby. Cute. Adorable.
In reality, it’s a live-action gay Hunger Games. Profiles flicker in and out of existence. One minute he’s 312 meters away. Next minute? Offline. Was he ever real? Are you real?
Multiple profiles of the same guy in different outfits and sexual positions. Welcome to the MultiVers. The Grindr cinematic universe. Expect reboots.
Sometimes, you’ll see a blank profile online 24/7. Never messages. Never replies. He is the ghost in the machine. The final boss. The Oracle.
Decoding Emojis and Abbreviations: The Secret Language of Regret
- Peach = Ass
- Eggplant = Dick
- Water drops = Fluids, and no, not the kind you drink
- Snowflake = Party drugs
- Devil emoji = Into stuff you’ll need to Google with SafeSearch off
Then there’s “DDF” (Drug and Disease Free), which is code for “I have no idea what I’m talking about but I’ll judge you anyway.”
Also watch out for “Chill?” – which doesn’t mean Netflix and chill. It means drugs. Always drugs.
Surviving the Chaos, Charm, and That Rash You’re Pretending Is Heat-Related
1. Assume nothing. That sweet-looking guy with the Pride filter? Will block you mid-convo when you say “I don’t do NSA.”
2. Expect rejection. But know it says more about them than you.
3. Never take things personally. This app has turned charming men into feral chaos gremlins.
4. Screenshot everything. For your group chat. For science. For future memoirs.
5. Use protection. For your genitals and your soul. Maybe even double-wrap the soul.
Final Thoughts: Grindr, Baby, You’re Toxic and I Like It
Grindr is a sex dungeon wrapped in glitter and passive-aggression. It’s like rummaging through a bargain bin labeled “daddy issues” and hoping for a boyfriend.
But sometimes… just sometimes… you find someone funny, flirty, and flu-free. And it’s magic. Or at least a solid 7 minutes of enthusiastic thrusting.
Until then: stay hydrated, keep your standards just above rock bottom, and remember, you are more than your stats. But also, update them. That 2017 pic with the Snapchat filter isn’t fooling anyone.
Grind responsibly.
The Roine Playground 
Lämna en kommentar